Set the goals - discover the values

I certainly don't intend the random thoughts that are about to fill this blog spot to go in any particular order, but what do you know - my first epiphany happens to be centred around the foundation of any effective coaching program - GOAL SETTING! Specifically, the values within the goal setting. As I said - any worthwhile coaching system includes goal setting, not rocket science really, i know - but the truly effective coaching systems will also put a big ol' spotlight on identifying your values - such as "The Great Discovery' - A six sigma coaching approach created recently by Mikel J. Harry.

When I completed the Great discovery workshop, I felt myself still somewhat confused at this step - which was defined in step 1. - Clarify Core Values. I wanted to understand how exactly do you become aware of your values? What if you pick the wrong values? What if you overlook the right ones? Heck...what are values..really? Then today I was listening to the audio book "The Virtue of Selfishness" by Ayn Rand and it sorta hit me. Let me explain, but first let me also explain that I don't necessarily subscribe wholly to the controversial egoist Ayn Rand. She's got spunk, passion and an undeniably brilliant and frankly intimidating stance no doubt, but I find you need to sift through her incredible philosophical intellect to find the gold and shed the obvious angst she has for anyone who cares for an occasional crazy evening doing something evil and blatantly unproductive like...wait for it...Dancing! Anyway, I took my nuggets, and my lumps - thanks Ayn - but the nugget with the biggest light above it shed light on my previous questions I had about defining core values. The magical combination of the two gave me a series of epiphanies that not only explained some of my own personal successes but, paradoxically, - it shed some light on my failures, and gave me some "why" insight. And I freaking love finding the why's in life.

So..what are values? And why do we need them? Here's a dry dictionary definition to get us thinking:

"beliefs of a person or social group in which they have an emotional investment (either for or against something); "he has very conservatives values"

So, basically - the good and evil we decide takes place in our existence. The messed up thing is, we're the only species that is burdened with figuring this stuff out. Sort of. Animals do live by a single value: "stay alive!". Alive is good. Dead is bad. Oh they pass on some tools to make this stuff happen to their young ens - this is how to run - those are what you eat, those are what will eat you, its too hot over their, that's water - we like water, etc. Basic stuff, but its all about staying alive. Not like they need to pass on what grandpa elephant did 200 years ago during the draught - why would they give a hoot? - they're geared to live....that's it. Then there's us.... the poor buggers who want to live too, but we gotta dress it up with drama, pride, beauty, song, dance, yaddy yaddy. Which brings me to my first random musing: You are born. like animals, with one singular goal...."Stay alive"... which breaks down into a simple value: Alive is good. Dead is bad. Then you start to figure out more goals. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Ok I'm beating on mankind here, being human is fun, its GREAT, - IF you figure out the best way to do it and don't let yourself grow old with still having only ever having full filled the goal of "Staying alive!" - No not like John Travolta, I mean a ripe old man who did nothing but work to buy food to nourish his body somewhat until he was 90, only to expire with no love, life or legacy.

This opens a whole can of worms but I only want to look at one little worm: Values occur when goals are set. That sounds easy but trust me its not. You cant just decide after reading this that your goal is now to be healthy and expect that by tomorrow you are living the associated values of "Eat this not that!". You have to be not only ready, but cognisant of the unlearning you will need to do and the room you will have to make from the other overpowering facets you have lived and adapted to. I want to explore more of what happens when you live a facet of life with no goal at all, not a clear one anyway. You still live that facet, chances are you HAVE to - so what then becomes of your values? Take a look at your life.. lets say we break it down to some of life's many facets - Health, Career, Family, Social, Love life, Education, etc. Does one stand out as your strength? Why? Think of what we are talking about. Does one suck? Why? Again, think...

Lets say you are a workaholic. I bet you can tell me where you plan to be in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years hell maybe even know the day you plan to retire and how much of the corporate world you will own by then. So what values have occurred within you because of all these years of a clear definition of your work life? What values have become so incredibly strong because of this life of CLEAR goal setting in your career life? Now here comes the part that sucks... Lets say you chose "Love life" as your "suck". Do you see where I'm going? Have you ever had clear goals about your love life? Do you know where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years? Have you visualized it? In this case, no you haven't. But the more permanent fixtures / values in your head sound more like : Work hard! Work long hours if you have to! Be the best you can be! Never let your boss down! Never let your team down! And other such languages of the workaholic. In this case... If this was a client of mine who was coming for coaching in relationships - I'd need to know if they were even ready to take on such associated goals, because even the most basic values that would achieve them would be almost non existent. We'd certainly have to start small... conversely this client would be ideal to take on higher level goal setting in the career environment.

We are human though, and we have a great diversity of fundamental needs from an early age. Early in life we may identify a facet we are good at, and we want to keep feeding it, and through a series of events known as life or our upbringing, we ultimately begin to identify ourselves by these strong facets, and we begin to perceive the rest of our world through the values created by these strengths and goals within them. So what about the other facets of life that we're not so good at? Wouldn't it be great to set the goals of excellence in all of them? Oh but if life were so easy. So, again, what about the facets that we've left by the wayside, but inevitably we will have to face at some point or another? What about the social butterfly who suddenly becomes a mother? Being a mother was never a goal! So how are values then created now that this facet must be lived? What if she continues to strengthen goals within her learned expertise but flies by the seat of her pants? What values are then created as a result? Well - left to our own physiological automations - we tend to fall back on that first goal.."Stay alive..."

How many people have achieved success yet allowed important parts of their lives fall victim to outside control?

I present quite the headache here because I certainly don't know any individual who is a major corporation CEO, excellent father, social savant, romeo extraordinaire, intellectual giant, prime athlete etc. I can certainly conjure up some examples of hard working actors who couldn't hold a family together to save their nuts, pro athletes who think monogamy is a type of wood, ceo's that die alone, and brilliant scientists who are probably still virgins though...

Live with as many purposes as you can fit! You can't make it all perfect and when you set your sights high in all things you only invite defeat. One thing at a time, be smart, make it measurable, attainable, realistic and time sensitive. Create milestones that will tell you you are on your way! You can set realistic goals in a hierarchical order in your life - even if the weakest facet has a simple to achieve goal at the sake of your brilliance having more room to shine. But don't leave any part of your life to the primordial instinct of "stay alive" - fight or flight, this is the arena of being a product of your environment, as opposed to your environment being a product of YOU. Its when you create values that you can begin to live the facets with your thoughts, actions and words becoming congruent. And as Ghandi put it so beautifully " Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony."